| Bad movies cannot be enjoyed quickly. Behind every grimace, barked laugh, and incredulous snort that escapes you during the slow roll process, there is an unsolved mystery of "HOW DID THEY LET THIS HAPPEN" aching to be explored further. We understand if this technique doesn't come easily for most people, as it goes directly against two axiological impulses: (1) traditional expectation that a movie lasts only as long as its runtime, and (2) the desire for a bad movie to end as soon as possible.
We have helpfully provided the following tips for maximizing your slow roll experience, whether you're a complete beginner or just trying to improve your game!
Invite your friends. Slow rolling is best enjoyed with company, but not too much company. Clearly, you don't want to be alone -- who would believe you spent 6 hours (see "Settle down," below) watching Mission to Mars otherwise? The fact is, no matter how funny something is, everyone laughs less when they're alone. Slow rolling is a group effort that requires multiple perspectives to catch every blunder. We find having 2-3 pals around allows everyone to contribute without having too many people shouting down the screen.
Settle down. This is going to take a while. Make yourself comfortable, decorate your coffee table with snacks, and turn over your clocks. Turn off your phone unless you're a doctor on call. Accept the fact that this viewing will last about triple the movie's running time (if you're doing it right), and set time aside accordingly. While it can be shocking to look at the clock and realize it's taken you 2 hours to watch the first 20 minutes of Ice Princess, this should always be source of amusement, not disapproval.
Assign the remote. One person, and ONLY one person, should handle the remote control during the slow roll. We couldn't think of a catchy nickname for this person, until someone very smart wrote in and suggested "the Driver." It is the Driver's duty to pause the movie every time something stupid happens in the movie, opening the floor for commentary. The chosen Driver must acquaint himself with the remote control, and be able to hit "pause" and "play" with lightning speed and zero glances downward.
Pause well, pause often. The Driver should freeze-frame the movie at the first utterance of "Okay, wait..." from anyone in the audience. This can result in literal frame-by-frame viewing, but this is not a bad thing -- it rests on the Driver's shoulders to make sure everything worth noticing gets noticed. As much of the slow roll process involves talking back to the movie, talking over the movie is discouraged.
Discussion without pity. Slow rolling is all in the discussion, so share whatever is on your mind. Leave nothing to the imagination, and take nothing for granted. Do you think Halle Berry's ear looks like bacon in one shot of Catwoman? Let the world know! Remember, everyone sees every movie differently, and your perspective counts. Ask questions like, "How stupid does this director think we are?" or "Is this performance supposed to resemble human behavior?" Discuss plot inconsistencies and wretched craftsmanship until there is nothing left to say. Only then should the Driver resume the movie.
Rinse and repeat. No, really. You may never feel clean again after watching Ashlee Simpson try to act in Undiscovered. However, members of the Slow Roll canon are noteworthy in that their true value lies in repeat viewings. Every film featured on the Slow Roll has been screened at least 100,000 times and believe us, new deficiences are still being uncovered.
DON'T give up. Slow rolling takes time, but it also takes effort. Be prepared for sudden realizations of, "Holy shit, I've been looking at Mo'Nique for three hours! Why would I do this to myself?" The Slow Roll will lead you through some appalling cinematic territory, but remember that you are not alone. In most cases, it's worth getting to the end just to see what image the filmmakers have chosen to leave you on.
DON'T be ashamed. Be proud of your new hobby! Don't let anyone make you feel bad for choosing "kwality" over quality. Slow rolling may not conform to traditional methods of movie-watching, but that's because it isn't traditional movie-watching. Don't lure someone into a slow roll under false pretenses -- explain that this activity may hurt at first, but once you get used to it, it feels really good.
DON'T slow roll angry. Don't forget that slow rolling is something we do for fun. Hate for the sake of hate isn't just unpleasant, it's dull; why do you think we don't touch straight-to-video or TV movies? If a film doesn't have the self-respect to show its face in a theater near you, how can we tear that self-respect to pieces? The deflation of lofty ambitions should bring a smile to your face; if you're getting pissed off, you're doing it wrong.
Remember: aside from these rigid and binding suggestions, slow rolling is an organic experience that's different every single time. It all depends on the movie you're watching, the friends you're with, and the substances you may or may not be abusing at the time. (We always find it amusing to invent drinking games on the fly.) Don't let the wrong crowd nip your slow roll in the bud! Go forth and make this experience exactly what you want it to be. |
