Catwoman (or, "When superheroes are neither super nor hero")

We know what you're thinking, and of course we agree that Catwoman is the most obvious of obvious choices for the Slow Roll. Isn't it our mission to think outside the box? Aren't viewers and critics alike already convinced that Catwoman is terrible?

Not exactly. Several months before the film was released, production test photos of the new Catwoman getup were leaked onto the internet, and the world got a brief glimpse of how misguided this project was. Upon its release, Catwoman lived up to its expectations and quickly disappeared under the weight of so much critical vitriol. Unfortunately, while almost everyone understands Catwoman as synonymous with "crap," few have actually taken the time to watch it and understand why.

You see, Catwoman isn't just bad -- it is truly an embarrassment. It barely qualifies as a movie at all. It is useless to generally attack Catwoman, or attempt to blame the screenplay, or the direction, or the acting, because in a sense, none of these things actually appear in the film. Catwoman has fewer than no redeeming cinematic qualities, because it is antithetical to any properties that have ever defined any kind of cinema, ever. It is a failure on every conceivable level, from the studio heads down to every last PA. Every single human being involved in the production of Catwoman either (a) was joking, or (b) ought to pursue a wildly different career.

Consider the comic book genre for a moment. Catwoman has always been interesting because she straddles the line between good and bad, usually divided by a thick black line in the superhero world. In her various incarnations, Catwoman has been a prostitute, an amnesia victim, a schizophrenic, a villain, a hero, an anti-hero, etc. This "reimagining" of Catwoman (as it has been defended by the filmmakers) decides that none of these things are interesting enough, and instead envisions her as some dumbass with a stupid costume who is resurrected from the dead by magical housecats.

Accepting for a moment that Catwoman's script resembles a first screenplay written by someone who has never seen a movie before, we have to wonder how it turned out so ugly. Without a shred of doubt, this is one of the worst-looking movies ever made, directed by the man responsible for some of the most wonderful visual effects ever (City of Lost Children, Amélie). His name is Pitof, and neither his previous 14 credits as visual effects supervisor nor collaborations with visionary director Jean-Pierre Jeunet have taught him a damn thing about directing his first Hollywood film.

So, why is the Slow Roll bothering with such a high-profile bomb? Why are we chomping at the bit to open your eyes to a movie you already know is awful? Put simply, Catwoman is a damn hoot.

Catwoman is its own breed of Slow Roll because everyone knows what to expect, and yet this movie unveils a thousand new and exciting ways to be terrible in every single shot. Catwoman evaporates your bitter indignation and replaces it with joyous, disbelieving horror, offering a truly unique Slow Roll experience. Who could do anything but laugh at the VeggieTales-quality CGI? Or Sharon Stone's five o'clock shadow? Or Frances Conroy's goofy turn as a Catwoman expert? Or Halle Berry's commitment to the line, "Meow"? In fact, only Benjamin Bratt seems to think he's starring in a real movie, making Catwoman much more humiliating for him than for Berry.

Ultimately, it is an easy target -- even Berry had the good sense to publicly apologize for the film while personally accepting her Razzie Award for Worst Actress (a gesture which didn't improve her acting, but did make us root for her a little more). Sometimes, however, the occasion calls for a Slow Roll that goes down easy and won't leave you feeling bitter in the morning. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for Catwoman.

START SLOW ROLLING BELOW!