Upon his return to the bathroom, Bateman brandishes numerous bottles of hard liquor, suggesting that he has come to some realization about the movie he's currently starring in. Bateman also informs Syd that he met London downstairs, referring to her as "painfully gorgeous," a winking reference to just how many drugs these characters have done. Unfortunately, this represents the last time anyone's behavior in London actually reflects the lethal amount of substances flooding their system.

CLARITY

At this point, Syd lets loose with a series of uncharacteristically astute observations, including:

• He hasn't talked to London in two months
• London won't talk to him if she knows he's doing drugs
• He can't go out there looking like this
• Coming here tonight was a stupid idea
• Everyone here hates him

Syd's one false admission is that he's "so drugged out [he] can't think straight"; on the contrary, it took this much booze and cocaine to make him realize such obvious points as those listed above. For his part, Bateman inexplicably asserts that cocaine is a "lonely, lonely drug"; in fact, cocaine is widely known as a party drug, and indeed, has transformed Syd from solitary pothead to boundless extrovert in a single evening.

Nevertheless, in his brief moment of clarity, Syd is able to provide the audience with one of the most laughable lines in cinema history: "Fuck, with all the pills on the market, you'd think they'd have something to take the edge off a chick leaving you." Sadly, no drug in the world can provide Syd with a sense of humor regarding his adolescent angst, especially considering the fact that he looks at least 25 (Chris Evans was 23 at the time of filming).

Indeed, what do we make of the degree of Syd's self-destruction after this breakup? How old is he? Syd and London only dated for two and a half years -- has he never been in a serious relationship before? The argument that London might have been the love of his life doesn't hold much water, considering the flashbacks with which we've been supplied depict nothing but Syd's utter contempt for this woman.

SYD'S PAIN

It is Syd's singular ability to imagine himself as the victim in every scenario that leads to the next sequence, in which Syd and Bateman trade tales of personal anguish one-up style. In an ill-fated attempt to comfort Syd, Bateman makes the mistake of introducing a shred of perspective and informing Syd that he's been through pain like this, and it seems trivial now that he's 40 years old. His martyrdom threatened, Syd instantly dials his voice up to "squawk" for the following monologue:

Listen, you pompous limey fuck! If you had one tenth my pain, you'd be psychologically fucking crippled! [...] Let me give you a little glimpse into my life, a little insight into my personal fucking pain. [...] So this fucker, this fucking guy out in LA, who my chick is now in love with, he's, you know... endowed. Yeah. So anyway, I needed to know how big. Not that I give a fuck about another guy's dick or anything, I just wanted to know. It's one of those things you feel like you need to know. So we're in an argument, I keep pushing her. I was pushing her, and I was like, "How big is he?" you know, "How big is he?" and she was like, "Let's not make an issue out of it, Syd," and I said, "No, fuck that! Tell me how big he is!" And she says, "10 1/2 inches." Yeah, you believe that shit? [...] But it really fucked with me, you know, it fucked with my head, knowing that this guy is in LA with the only woman I love, fucking her with 10 1/2 inches! I'm chasing her around like a little fucking puppy dog, doing anything and everything I can to get her back! AND IT CRUSHED ME! IT STILL FUCKING CRUSHES ME!

Ladies and gentlemen, at last, the foundation of Syd's crippling, immeasurable pain is revealed: some other guy has a huge penis. A really, REALLY huge penis. Such a huge penis, in fact, that most women would rather have sex some with someone whose penis actually fits inside their vagina. Syd is an absolute wreck over some guy's penis. Credits. (Not really.)

Unlike the rest of London, watching this scene is more like being in a trainwreck than watching one, as the narrative whiplash is, in fact, crippling. As Syd begins screaming at Bateman about his bottomless well of pain, the viewer unconsciously expects to learn something interesting about this character, despite the lack of precedent for such an event. Syd is about halfway through his monologue when it suddenly dawns on the viewer: "THAT'S what this is about?!"

Bateman: How exactly do you deal with that?
Syd: You don't deal with it, it deals with you.

Syd goes on to explain that he and London used to fight, and he would say things like, "You just want a fat cock in your fat snatch, you fucking whore." Frankly, there's no coming back from "you just want a fat cock in your fat snatch, you fucking whore." In fact, "you just want a fat cock in your fat snatch, you fucking whore" should be an instant deal-breaker in any relationship, and moving 2,500 miles away is the least London can do to get her life back on track.

BATEMAN'S PAIN

Next, it's Bateman's turn to rant and rave about his damaged masculinity. After bleating about his own supreme misery, Syd has the audacity to inquire about Bateman's pain, setting the stage for a corresponding monologue about Bateman's marriage and divorce. This time, to make a long story short, the revelation is that Bateman's wife wanted sex and he couldn't give it to her:

Motherfucker, you wanna know what it is? Pain, my friend, is when the woman you love wants to fuck you four, five times a night, and you can't! Why? Why? I'll tell you why: BECAUSE I'M AN IMPOTENT MAN, MOTHERFUCKER! That's pain! That's fucking pain!

To be sure, Bateman's impotent rage is incomparably more legitimate as a foundation for emotional problems than Syd's hang-up about some guy somewhere having a huge (HUGE) penis; on the other hand, this development once again pulls the rug out from under the viewer, as we realize that this is as much of an explanation as we'll ever get for these characters' repellent behavior: "They're just insecure!"

With these twin declarations, Syd and Bateman have finally had enough of talking about their feelings, and decide together that Syd should go downstairs and talk to London. After all, as Bateman insightfully advises, "Life's too short to be a pussy... You might not have a 10 1/2-inch cock, but at least you can still fuck her." And so, London turns away from its own weak assertion of Syd and London's emotional connection, in favor of an alarming penis obsession that places the stakes squarely on Syd's manhood.