The first shot of London is an aerial shot of New York City, which instantly undercuts our expectations for a movie named after a major world city that is not New York. Immediately, the viewer wonders: how will this movie get us to London, England? What will happen there? Is the cast predominantly British? Will Jessica Biel delight the audience with a horrendous English accent? Unfortunately, London proves to disappoint on all counts.

MEET SYD

Inside a dingy yet spacious loft, Syd (Chris Evans) (and the amazing wig perched on his head) gets high and reminisces about getting a blowjob from London (Jessica Biel) on the floor of a filthy bathroom. Due to the lack of context for this special moment, we can only assume that Syd is experiencing a drug-fueled nightmare about male bonding gone wrong. We're not saying Jessica Biel is masculine, but her male nudity double is.

Syd is awakened by his ringing phone, and learns something about a party that drives him into a furniture-hurling rage, culminating in the destruction of his fish tank. This scene includes crucial character development not only for Syd, but for London, as we learn that her blowjobs are so amazing as to be worth the lives of innocent pets.

MEET MALLORY

Next, the viewer is introduced to Mallory (Joy Bryant). It is interesting that we first glimpse Mallory snorting a line of coke and lighting a cigarette, indie film shorthand for "this character is damaged, but relatable." The next shot features Mallory intently reading a book, which seems intended to argue that cokeheads can be deep too, but instead we're shocked at how far gone Mallory's addiction must be if she needs cocaine to accomplish something this mundane.

In fact, this character provides an interesting counterpoint to Bryant's role in Honey ; indeed, these two films work as companion pieces, if we imagine that London depicts Gina's coked-up tragedy of a life when she isn't hanging out with Honey Daniels.

SYD AND BATEMAN

When Syd enters the bar where Mallory is working, she informs him that London is moving to Los Angeles (a city which, much like New York, is notable for not being London either) to live with her boyfriend. When Syd's drug dealer shows up, we immediately see that these men share more than a common drug addiction: they both enjoy wearing bad wigs. This is followed by overt suggestions of their homosexuality, as they cagily debate whether they should "do it" in the bathroom or in the car.

Syd and Bateman ultimately decide to do it in the car, where their cocaine sales transaction plays out in a single unbroken shot from the backseat. This scene is notable for possibly being the dullest scene in cinema history, as it does nothing to further any plot or character development at all. In fact, it even manages to incorporate the word "arbitrage," notable for possibly being the dullest word in the English language. Also, Syd tries to convince Bateman to attend London's party with him, an invitation he flatly refuses.

The very next scene depicts Bateman arriving at an apartment building with Syd (having changed his mind off-camera for no reason), changing his mind again (for no reason), and Syd desperately arguing that he must come with him (for no reason). Clearly, Bateman is having a difficult time making up his mind, perhaps due to some poorly written cue cards, judging from Statham's jerky line delivery and inability to tear his eyes away from something off-screen.

Most viewers' alarm bells will go off at the revelation of Bateman's name, which carries unmistakable associations with the well-known Bret Easton Ellis character Patrick Bateman . This technique of trying to remind the viewer of more enjoyable or profound works, instead of actually being enjoyable or profound, is wildly prevalent in London.

BATHROOM AND BANTER

Syd and Bateman enter the building and find Maya (Kelli Garner), a teenage girl also attending London's party. This scene is obviously supposed to play out with realistic awkwardness, but instead plays out like the director instructed the actors to improvise, and they really suck at it, so everyone stands around trying to think of something and fails.

In a flashback, we are properly introduced to two more major characters: London, and the enormous bathroom in which most of London takes place. London and Syd (sporting a shaved head, indicating that this scene takes place before whatever incident inspired him to glue roadkill to his head) enter Rebecca's (Isla Fisher) loft apartment and immediately retreat to the bathroom so Syd can knead London's boobs for a while. When London tells Syd she loves him and he fails to say it back, the viewer is acquainted with yet another crucial component of London: the insufferable banter.

London: I love you. [shoves Syd] Come on, "I, I love you too, London." Uh, you fucker, you can say it, I'm not gonna tell anybody.
Syd: London, don't.
London: Don't what? What am I doing? What, what am I doing wrong?
Syd: This, this, whatever this is. This need, this obsession to put a verbal label on everything. It's not about words.
London: No, it is about words. 'Cause if we didn't have words, we'd be, uh, living in caves and still fucking talking with our hands.
Syd: Look, London, stop, stop, please. We haven't even come close to a fight. If we can avoid that first fight, by theory, we'll never fight.

Here is a closer look at the information we're dealing with:

WHAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GET FROM THIS EXCHANGE
Syd is afraid of emotional vulnerability

WHAT WE ACTUALLY GET FROM THIS EXCHANGE
This script makes us wish humans still lived in caves and talked with their hands

Back in the present, Maya, Syd, and Bateman enter Rebecca's apartment. In contrast to last time, Rebecca is disgusted to see Syd, possibly because he races upstairs with Bateman as fast as he did with London. Safe in the heavily mirrored bathroom, Syd does not massage Bateman's boobs as he did London's, but the men immediately begin snorting massive amounts of cocaine together.

GOD

Syd: So, wait, I'm confused. You say you do believe in God, or you don't?
Bateman: God might not be the appropriate word for it, actually. It was more of an epiphany than anything.
Syd: Epiphany? What was your epiphany?
Bateman: Well, for me, an epiphany is when you really see the universe in all its splendor and beauty, and you suddenly understand everything.
Syd: Well, what do you mean by everything? What does that mean?
Bateman: Fucking everything! Everything you can fucking imagine! Everything! What, you don't know what everything means?
Syd: Well, yes, I know what everything means, I just don't know what you mean by everything.
Bateman: It means everything, doesn't it? You know, everything. So what's your problem?
Syd: Well, I think for someone who's seen the infinite, you're a little fucking vague. You'd think with someone who's had a godlike revelation, you'd be a little more specific.

This is the kind of insightful dialogue that makes London the astonishing trainwreck it is. Bateman goes on to explain something called "time horizons," which amounts to everything you talked about when you were 15 years old and high for the first time.

At least there is one actual teenager around, as Maya shows up to snort coke off Vincent Van Gogh's "Wheat Field With Crows" , which Bateman has taken off a wall and set on the counter. When asked if she believes in God, it doesn't matter that Maya is totally sitting down on the toilet at the exact moment she begins to answer, because we are in the hands of an independent filmmaker who thinks this is edgy. Maybe that's why this bathroom is designed with a single toilet in the open, without a stall, despite the multiple sinks indicating that this facility is intended for use by many people at once.