August 3, 2003

TO: Bo Welch
CC: Alec Berg, David Mandel, Jeff Shaffer

FROM: Universal Pictures

RE: HOLY FUCKING SHIT

Dear Mr. Welch:

We have completed viewing your cut of THE CAT IN THE HAT. Below is the final installment in our list of alarming elements in your film, although we still anxiously await any form of reply to our first correspondence regarding this matter.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get in touch with us AS SOON AS POSSIBLE so that we can get started rebuilding this project from the ground up.

• The Cat tells Sally she is going to die alone


• The Cat repeatedly says he is going to kill the children's dog


• The Cat spells out the acronym "S.H.I.T." in front of the children -- is this really better than saying the word "shit"?


• Graphic dog urination on tacos


• The Cat takes the children in his motor vehicle and endangers their lives by...
  
  
  • ...running a red light while the children scream
  
  
  • ...letting the children drive
  
  
  • ...ripping out the brakes and laughing while the children scream
  
  
  • ...crashing the car so violently it explodes

• The Cat vomits in a barf bag; The Cat vomiting seems to be a major theme in your film -- was this present in the book?


• The Cat dresses up as an activist including nose, lip, and eyebrow piercings; also, is this voice necessary?


• The Cat takes the kids to a rave, where they encounter Paris Hilton -- THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.


• The Cat is described as a "weird hairy man"; too accurate to be funny?


• One of the Things tells Joan she is "one hot mama"

• The Cat laughs while Larry falls off a cliff into a parallel universe


• The Cat compares his world to what happens when you eat bad shellfish


• While in his world, The Cat and the children ride Mrs. Kwan's body down a water slide, a sequence we find alarming for several reasons:
  
  
  • Is Mrs. Kwan dead?
  
  
  • The Cat pauses the "ride" and advertises for Universal Studios theme park -- frankly, even we find this offensive
  
  
  • The Cat and the children pass by a flaming toilet; The Cat announces, "Something like that really burns my a--" before being cut off
  
  
• The Cat admires a photograph of himself vomiting
  

• The children are sucked into a huge purple tornado leading to another dimension and screaming while The Cat doesn't help at all


• Larry is forced through a tiny exhaust pipe while he screams


• The Cat dresses up as a tennis player, displaying hairy midriff -- this is very disturbing


• The Cat uses his "gay" voice to proclaim, "These drapes are so out, they're in!" -- definitely not in the book


• The Cat advertises the movie's soundtrack; again, this is somewhat offensive


• The Cat accuses Sally of smoking too many cigars, and warns Conrad to "lay off the sauce," presumably referring to alcohol

• Larry is humiliated by the children in front of Joan; Joan sides with her children although they are in fact lying and deliberately sabotaging her relationship -- Larry is subsequently thrown out of the house while he sobs and triumphant music swells


• We are concerned with the amount of Joan's breasts visible at the party -- also, was this shot much later (as she appears to have received collagen lip injections since the last scene)?


• The Cat loiters outside the family's home reciting a personal ad, describing himself as "tremendously attractive"

The ground beneath us is damp from Dr. Seuss sobbing in his grave.

Urgently,
Universal Pictures

---

August 5, 2003

TO: Bo Welch
CC: Ron Howard

FROM: Brian Grazer

RE: WOW!!

Dear Mr. Welch:

Just screened your latest cut of THE CAT IN THE HAT, and I only have one word for you: KUDOS! You have brought a children's classic to life in a fun, sexy way. I'm delighted to see how well the text translated to the screen, and we look forward to shipping this out to theaters exactly the way it is.

Congratulations on a job well done. I must say, Dr. Zeus (sp?) would be proud. Stay in touch, and enjoy a well-earned vacation!

Warmly,
Brian Grazer
Imagine Entertainment