August 1, 2003

TO: Bo Welch
CC: Alec Berg, David Mandel, Jeff Shaffer

FROM: Universal Pictures

RE: THE CAT IN THE HAT

Dear Mr. Welch:

We feel compelled to contact you regarding the most recent cut of your movie, THE CAT IN THE HAT. Upon viewing the film, we noticed that the film adaptation has departed somewhat radically from the Dr. Seuss classic. While we understand the challenge inherent in adapting a short children's book, we feel there may be a need to reconsider some elements of your film before its upcoming wide release.

In the interest of full disclosure, we would like to inform you that so far we have only reached the 27 minute mark. We are confident that many of the issues alarming us will smooth themselves out over the course of the remaining runtime.

We have included a list of specific items of concern below. Please contact us at your earliest convenience so we can figure out to how to proceed in a revised direction.

• Sally uses a PDA to amend her will


• Conrad stuffs bread into his crotch and then eats it


• The "evil stepdad" character of "Larry" wishes to send Conrad to military school to endure "brutal forced marches and soul-crushing discipline"; later Larry makes suggestive comments repeating the word "hard"


• There is a balding transsexual caterer named "Kate"; let's discuss

• The character of "Mrs. Kwan" watches Taiwanese parliament on television, which consists of Asian stock footage with martial arts sound effects added -- we're concerned this may be incredibly racist

• The character of "The Cat" is a immediately a source of worry -- why is Mike using his "Linda Richman" voice? Is this necessary and will it continue throughout the film?

• The Cat is essentially Krusty the Clown -- he seems to hate the children and have a drinking problem; let's discuss ASAP

• At one point The Cat starts explaining sex to the children; that was definitely not in the original book

• The Cat finds a framed picture of the children's mother "Joan" which opens like a Playboy magazine centerfold, and The Cat's hat springs upward like an erect penis with a "BOO-OOING!" sound effect -- this CERTAINLY did not happen in the book


• The Cat does a stereotypical "homosexual" voice while criticizing the drapes

• We need to double check the source material, but we are fairly positive that, in Dr. Seuss's book, The Cat did not dress up in drag as Carmen Miranda and sing a song referring to "balls"

• The Cat answers the house phone, "City morgue!"


• The Cat is lactose intolerant, drinks milk, and experiences explosive gas which splashes the children with phlegm; this is in addition to The Cat vomiting up a hairball

• At one point we see The Cat's "Spayed & Neutered Certificate" -- given The Cat's extreme anthropomorphization, there are several disturbing factors here, including:
  
  
  • The Cat's birthday is listed as May 25th, 1963, pinning his exact age at 40; this fact alone is unnecessarily creepy
  
  
  • The certificate's "date issued" is in 2002, implying that The Cat only decided to remove his testicles at the age of 39
  
  
  • Basically, the suggestion that The Cat EVER had testicles is unacceptable
  
  
• The Cat is distressingly manipulative when he coerces the children into signing this contract -- was this at all a factor in the book?

Again, we feel very confident that your cut of THE CAT IN THE HAT will improve as we continue watching it. We definitely look forward to hearing from you soon. Very soon.

Best,
Universal Pictures

-- Larry and Joan on how hard it is